Britney Spears Likes Cookies, Parties

There’s no better way to celebrate skating on eight of your fourteen court-ordered drug tests like a men’s magazine video game launch party to which you’re not invited. Just ask Britney Spears! But Brit never made it to the Maxim-hosted fête Friday night. According to OK! Magazine

Despite the fact that she wasn’t on the invite list, “Brit started saying that Maxim had always been so good to her in the past and she didn’t want to miss anything fun.” Well, that’s when she was informed that not only had she not made the cut of the magazine’s “Hot 100? list, [but that] the new issue of Maxim actually labeled her one the five most “unsexy” women on the planet.

As one can imagine, Brit didn’t take this news well. “She started to pout and her eyes were filling up with tears. She had no idea there was such a thing as an Unsexy list and it came as a pretty big shock. [But] we didn’t want her to get inside Opera and have people coming up to her or telling her she was a part of that list,” explains the friend. “It would have been really bad if she had had a breakdown inside the club in front of everyone.” Says the friend, “Brit’s been talking about demanding an apology from Maxim.”

How do you combat the shame that accompanies being labeled “unsexy?” Why, cookies, of course! A couple in the consul of the car, a few in your pockets, maybe some stuck in your weave for emergencies. I also recommend lots of beer and laying down and sex with the drunk guy you met in the parking lot of McDonald’s. He thinks you’re sexy! Sure, he was throwing up under a lamp post fifteen minutes earlier and it’s obvious from the ladies’ sun hat and pleated skirt that he’s still pledging, but that just means he’s college-educated. And you know what that means! He can use your lack of higher education as a weapon when you fight later about his drinking problem. Marriage material? You bet! I’m going to have a couple of cookies and lie down now.